065: Throes Of Burnout

I am starting to feel like my body is slowly shutting down. The last time I had this feeling was about 2 years ago when I was working 60 hour weeks in a very toxic environment. That was before I took the plunge and left for France, more than 5000 miles away. I have been thinking lately when I really have had some quiet time ever since I arrived in France. I live alone so that must count as quiet time? Nope. My mind is always working even in my sleep. I just haven’t had some time to just pull back and not think about my next step.

While doing my one year in France reflection, it dawned on me that I had quite a long frustration stage in the culture shock cycle – one year to be exact. Now I find that I am in the adjustment stage. Needless to say, I did not realize the amount of stress that the frustrations of moving to a new country had on me. I haven’t created time to deal with that stress both mentally and physically. And now, I am starting to feel the impact. The pandemic hasn’t even made things better and to even think that we may be going into a third confinement here in Paris doesn’t make things any better. C’est la galère!

My palette no longer rejoices nor longs for any kind of food. Quick fatigue that hits my muscles the moment I start working out. It is not fun at all. Even having a walk in nature does little to help – not when everything looks depressed due to the gloom of winter. The sun shines bright but I cannot enjoy it’s warmth because cold reigns. My beautiful endroit that brings me so much joy and peace unrecognizable, not with the murky waters of the Seine that brings so much sadness to mine eyes.

The only thing that seems to keep me going is my warm cup of ginger tea and a fresh bouquet of flowers that fills my nostrils with the scent of hope, joy and new beginnings. I stumbled upon Christian Aznavour song la Bohème. I can feel his nostalgia and somehow, this song gives me a new sense of hope, perhaps for a few days but today, it takes my mind away from this looming burnout. Eventually, I’ll have to save myself from it; perhaps I already started with a 3 minute meditation. We’ll see how it goes. At least, I am doing something about this hey!


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